Boundaries are Powerful
So, I had the pleasure yesterday of having tea and talking with a friend I had not seen in over a year. We hadn’t spoken for a while because she had a bad case of COVID, and needed to recover and then make changes in her life with time and space to learn the new things she needed for better boundaries. As we chatted, we talked about heavy things, we laughed and celebrated life and learning and the process of failing forward – and the theme that came out of our talk was what an AMAZING thing that boundaries are and do for us as healthy, independent, responsible, self-aware, adult human beings.
So first, what is a boundary? Would it surprise you that many people don’t have them and sincerely struggle to set them? Do you have them? Do your parents, friends, colleagues? Boundaries are worthy of exploration and articulation.
I like to think of a boundary first as physical, a clear space of demarcation between me and the other. Two physical bodies that are not blending as we stand separate. We are not in an embrace, kissing, or blending those physical bodies. Even though we have chosen to come together as partners, we are still sovereign individuals.
But what about the non-physical side of boundaries? The stuff you can’t see? The place where boundaries are most important in establishing you and the other. I need to know where I begin and end energetically. What is my baggage? What am I projecting or making sure I am not projecting on another human being? And in return – what is the other person’s stuff? Are they spewing their opinions on me, their projections, their desires, thoughts and wants all over me? Are they making me wrong for a choice they made to avoid taking personal responsibility for it?
Here is an example: A person who suffers from anxiety expresses fear over my travels during times of COVID or how I might be perceived if I’m an attorney who does energy work or teaches classes like Empower Thyself as a representative of the Modern Mystery School.
I MEAN WHAT WILL THE WORLD THINK OF ME?! They won’t take me seriously as an attorney if I keep engaging in such woo-woo behavior.
However, IF I have boundaries, I can hear these words, I can acknowledge and thank them for their concern (which really is their attempt to project their anxiety and judgment on me – consciously or unconsciously) and I can internally pause and acknowledge that what I am feeling from them is, in fact, them and their emotions and judgment, NOT ME or MINE.
And. I. move. on. I have no obligation, responsibility or anything to pick up what they are putting down and projecting upon me. Their internal anxiety and judgment (which they are externalizing onto me as “worry about what the world will think”) is all their own shit and I do not have to take it on. And when I say it’s their own shit I mean it – it’s their own self-judgment and criticism about not being taken seriously and having something to prove to the world. It’s their own fears about going and seeing the world during COVID. It’s not my fear, and it’s not my judgment. I have no fear to travel responsibly, and I have no cares what the world thinks of me. I love myself, I care about people, and I have a mission to help others find a way to love themselves in this world.
I think the teachings within the Lineage of King Solomon are one of the fastest ways for a person to wake up to who they truly are, love themselves, and join the team “making this world a better place for everyone.” I save lives and I help people. I expect people who are jealous, to want to stop me from speaking, to judge me, and do things to discredit me. If I’m not making enemies I’m not trying hard enough to get us all to Shambala.
So – I’m very clear that the judgment of others is not my deal, and I don’t care about it. Now, me being clear about this does not mean creating drama.
I do not need to tell this person how wrong they are, and how the world isn’t going to judge me for what I’m doing, or that I don’t care, or that I’m not afraid to travel because it isn’t dangerous, etc… This is not productive, and they are probably right.
Travel during a pandemic has risks, and people do judge me for what I do. But it is my choice if I spend the energy worrying about it because I have boundaries.
I have boundaries and I don’t like drama and I don’t need to be right – so I just thank the person for their concern and disengage from the conversation. Trying to explain to them that I do not care what others think of me, or more profoundly said, I am not worried about it because I know anyone else’s judgment of me is their own pain, baggage, and issues and really their judgment of themselves – saying this, is not going to make sense to this person – You see where I’m going with this?
It is best I just acknowledge, disengage, and keep going on about my business as a caring, loving human being in the world living my life in the best way possible with a lot more energy to do it, because I do not take on other people’s stuff or engage in drama.
So this, my lovely listener, is why boundaries are not only powerful but also a law of abundance. Because when you have boundaries, you do not take on other people’s stuff, you do not engage in drama and create more stuff, you do not worry about being right or being heard and not judged – and you have SO MUCH MORE ENERGY.
When you don’t have to make other people wrong, or subconsciously carry around the burden of an entire community of souls unconsciously projecting their stuff at you- you step back into your lane. You know where you begin and they end and where they end and you begin. Life is lighter. Life has more joy. You are unburdened by opinion and you get really clear on who you are and what really matters and how you affect others in this world. And as a result of this, you gain Freedom – FREEDOM gained through personal awareness and responsibility. And with responsibility comes agency – and then you are writing the script of your life instead of being an actor in someone else’s musical.
Boundaries also allow you to easily steer clear of unneeded DRAMA. The drama that is soul-sucking and energy vortex life energy eating. If you are always dealing with drama (yours or others) when do you have time to create your life? When do you have time to create your abundance and your joy? You don’t. Because you are always sinking in a sea of drama. But with boundaries, you are immediately able to see it coming and then are able to disengage from the situation before the conveyor belt of bullshit sends you into the coco puffs factory.
How? Let’s take a gaslighting example. (if you have good boundaries, by the way, you cannot be gaslighted because you smell that funky gunk coming and do not breathe it in).
Individuals who love to not take personal responsibility for their actions frequently gaslight others. If they can convince the other person they are wrong, then the individual doesn’t have to own up to their actions. I see this in legally litigious situations ALL THE TIME.
Litigation doesn’t happen because people are self-aware and taking full responsibility for their actions. Frequently in landlord-tenant matters, I have a lazy corner-cutting landlord yelling profanely at their tenant about how the tenant shoulda coulda woulda this that and the other thing, but meanwhile this doesn’t change the fact that there is sewage coming out of the tub. I advise clients who are experiencing this type of gaslighting behavior from landlords making them wrong by
- Breathing a lot
- Acknowledging what they have control over in the situation – which is their reaction to the bullying/gaslighting behavior
- To make decisions from a non-emotional, non-reactionary, or negative space.
- Ask themselves – what is my stuff? What are the landlords? Where can I act but not engage in a way that will throw gasoline on this fire? Because when you lean in and start throwing stuff back – where does this get you? No where good fast. It just gives you more drama and headaches. You can’t make an asshole realize they are an asshole by telling them they are an asshole. We don’t need to get the other to our perspective (especially because we might be wrong, they might be right, or we both might be wrong and both might be right). We just have to have a clear boundary within ourselves to NOT ENGAGE in the drama, stay respectful, take the high road, and manage ourselves.
Do you see how much more energy you can have as a result of this? This can work in relationships too. As I mentioned in my last podcast about codependency, I’m a recovering codependent and enabler. Enabling is a thing that happens when people don’t have good boundaries. Why? We do things for others that they put on us, and we carry things for them. Then we get tired and angry and become victims when they never do those things for themselves. Do you see how crazy this is? We choose to take on the burden of that person’s stuff. We actually do whatever it is for them. Then get mad that they aren’t doing it for themselves. Then we make them wrong for making you do it. But the problem started at your first choice, where you did it for them. Or you absorbed the situation as your own instead of being very clear about what was happening and empowering them to do it themself or to see for themself what was going on.
So they lose on the opportunity to learn and you lose because you are doing it for them, taking on karma and eventually getting angry and hurt and becoming a victim because “they made you do it!”
But they didn’t. Your own LACK OF BOUNDARY is the only thing at fault here, and your choice to enable. This is very important to learn in boundary growth. I didn’t learn it on my own. I had a lot of support with my spiritual path and specifically through Kabbalah, on the ritual master path, and as a healer in the lineage of King Soloman.
Meditation helps me observe myself, but I had to learn boundaries by doing. By being brave and loving myself enough, knowing myself, and recognizing what is my shit and what is other people. I have had to tell myself some hard truths. But it is rewarding and amazing to have boundaries and feels so good to empower versus enable others. It improves your relationships and those who need enablers in their lives will fall away from your life – they may even get mad at you that you changed and stopped enabling – but you will have a boundary and be clear that this is especially their problem.
You will also have less drama – you likely will not ever find yourself in legal battles (unless absolutely necessary) and you will have a lot more energy to use the law for what it is meant for, like planning your business and creating your estate plan. You will make good decisions to build a safe, productive, abundant home and structures for yourself where you can engage in a healthy self-care, in your space, in your way.
Boundaries are a beautiful and powerful thing – and they are a KEY to you building an abundant and joyful life. Practice makes perfect and there are things we can do together to help you practice them. As always, I can help with that! So happy boundary awareness and appreciation day! Until next time my friends, enjoy your life in all of its aspects and happy boundary building.