S2 Episode 6: Rising Above the Rhythm of the Universe
Part One: November 2022
“Are you ok?” my good friend asked me on the phone a couple of days ago, and I couldn’t answer him because I was holding back the tears of my grief. My greatest temptation took a huge piece of my heart with it.
I didn’t want this post about Rhythm to be part two of Angel’s traumatic relationship loss story, but I had to let that go because this is the story that happened, and it is a fine example of the pendulum swing in my life. It is also how I used my practice of service to others and meditation to neutralize it.
I have been awake but living a nightmare. The nightmare began the day I found out about her. The nightmare most recently came in the form of a social media profile picture. There, my alleged life partner was walking down the aisle in unholy matrimony with her, the other woman, his gut-wrenching secret, only three short months after I found out about her and thus, ended us.
This nightmare evokes a soul-crushing “what the fuck?!”
That moment, upon seeing the picture,I knew I had dodged a bullet of crazy. That the drama train left the station without me on it, I should be relieved, say good riddance, sayonara – I’m moving on without that weight of irresponsibility strapped to my ankle.
But the emotional me, the part that loved and believed in what their best friend shared with them, is crying her eyes out. A wounded and broken child experiencing betrayal of the most profound kind, the knife turning yet again in a deeply broken heart., “I don’t want my choices to affect you,” he said when I found out about her.
I wanted to stab him with my ceremonial Athame. But instead of committing premeditated murder, I told him I would be removing myself from this fucked up “friendship” so I could heal and no longer be subjected to his selfish and hurtful choices.
So the Law of Rhythm states, “Everything flows out and in; everything has its tides; all things rise and fall; the pendulum swing manifests in everything; the measure of the swing to the right is the measure of the swing to the left; rhythm compensates.”
Because I know the hermetic principle, I haven’t acted on “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Oh, I want to unblock his wife on Facebook and tell her all the ways he’s lied to her, that her marriage is based on falsity, and that I curse them both to a life of unhappiness and complete lack of joy. But that action would result only in a dramatic rhythm swing reaction to the other way, bouncing back at me worse than any fury I can deliver in their direction.
Because that is the law – every action has a reaction, the tide goes out and the tide goes in. This is the Way.
Humans experience great joy; humans experience great sorrow (that is, if they have the capacity for it).
Now I’ve been grieving this relationship since August despite my best efforts to move on. And why? Because I didn’t neutralize, I instead hung on to the attachment. I thought our civility, our friendship, was fulfilling a need of mine – and maybe, because of the continued lies on his part, I had some twisted hope that he’d come back to me after this misguided episode with the psycho bitch he cheated on me with. I just had to bide my time and do my work, and it would all work out. Instead, this was likely an extended denial of my grief at losing my lover and best friend without closure, explanation, or apology. I burned all his gifts to me in the temple at Burning Man, but it didn’t cut the cord. And I kept getting pulled back in. So my poor heart was broken multiple times because I was unwilling to cut the cord.
Then I think of the joy and elation I experienced in the relationship. Laughter and dancing, sharing of Tarot, and Rune spreads the feeling that someone truly listened and understood me and accepted me no matter what. He was holding me up and supporting me unconditionally. I never had that ever before in a relationship.
A person willing to do their work, or so it seemed. Until it got hard, and they started drinking again.
Pendulum swing, great joy, great sorrow.
And even though I volunteered to give up my a normal life, for one of service and true joy, the ripping away of that, my greatest temptation, took a massive piece of my heart with it. And my grief is as if someone died. Because they did. the man who was my best friend and honorable lover is dead to me. The man that exists is a scared, hurt child, incapable of loving anyone.
All he could do was deflect, lie, and deny culpability.
Energy not worthy of my time, my effort – we are not in alignment.
I have to feel the grief without giving in to the rage and drama monster that wants to come out. And I have to declare boundaries to prevent myself from swimming into the toxic forgiveness pool to stay this man’s friend.
Part Two: January 2023
Since writing part one, I’ve learned a couple of things.
One “Love Bombing” is what a narcissist does to reel you into their world and enlist you in their menagerie. Narcissists use people, and then they cast them aside when that need is fed, or you are used up, and they can’t get what they want from you anymore.
My ex love-bombed me. Because he is a narcissist, and I fulfilled a need. He immediately enlisted me in his children’s life. After all, he needed someone like me to care for them because he was functionally and emotionally abandoning them. I thought it was because he trusted me that he was so vulnerable, bringing me deep into his life so soon. But, no, I was just an easy target. I gave him the keys to how to manipulate me in our first 24 hours together, and he used them all.
Since cutting him off, he’s tried to keep the lines of communication open – Communication for a space to vent, someone to loan him money, or a place to run away from his crazy new bride. On New Years, he asked me if he could store all his stuff with me so he could leave his wife, “the past few months have been tough for me,” he said like the pathetic man-child he is. I could laugh at his level of ego; if I hadn’t moved on, I would have been pulled right back onto his crazy train. But I let his pendulum swing without me in the equation. I told him he’d have to leave his wife without my help and this situation was not for me to be involved in. His lesson is to now manage his karma.
Shockingly, I have not heard from him since proving my narcissist theory. I’m discarded now because I offer nothing more to him. I’m not useful to his story of the victim.
As I’m now clear of his toxic tentacles, I’ve mourned the death of the person I was in love with. I’m now free of the swings of emotion, reclaimed my power, and neutralized the Rhythm of this negative vibration in my life.
How? prayer, meditation, ritual, truth-telling, patience, energy healing, service, literally moving across the country and starting over. Vitamin D is a cure for a lot of things, and the sunlight, quiet and rest of my new home in Northern Florida have given me perspective. But mostly, it’s been the time, honesty, and forgiveness of myself that broke the pattern.
So lovely humans, I hope to post another podcase before five months go by again. But in the meantime, please take the principles of Rhythm to heart. We cannot escape the tides of fate, but we can neutralize the drama train, the pendulum swing in our lives, by choosing to be above engagement. It is a ride we can step off.
If you would like to learn how – I can help with that! Reach out. I would love to work with you.